hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
