Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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