I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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