I got chris browned last night
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
