I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
