i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
