I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
