I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
