those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
