All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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