Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
