I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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