you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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