Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
