weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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