Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
