My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She announced her abortion via fbk
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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