I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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