My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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