We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
