I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
