Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
