I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
