I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
