this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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