drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
