ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Randomize
