apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
