Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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