Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
