I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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