wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
