Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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