i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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