She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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