1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
