the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
