Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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