i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Found the puke drawer
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
