Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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