So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
