friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
