did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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