i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
