If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
