i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
