:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
