Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so that wasnt chicken after all
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
