Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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