Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
