I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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