I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
